Partnership in Action


Art work by Jane Evershed (www.evershed.com)

The Center for
Partnership Studies
P.O. Box 51936
Pacific Grove, CA 93950
USA
Phone 831-626-1004
Fax 831-626-3734
 center@partnershipway.org

 

 
Adapted from
 The Power of Partnership by Riane Eisler 
 by New World Library

Relationships define our lives. By shifting our relationships from domination to partnership we improve every aspect of our lives and the lives of others. Here is an overview of the domination and partnership models and how they affect our most intimate relationships.

The ABC's of Dominator and Partnership Relations 
In the domination model those on top strictly control those below them. People learn to obey orders without question and to repress their anger against those above, leading to denial, scapegoating and frustration taken out on those below. Everyone is guarded and mistrustful, living in fear and pain. While no one would consciously choose to live this way, people raised in the "superior/inferior" model seldom realize they have a choice. They develop beliefs justifying these relations, and social structures that reinforce them, and unthinkingly pass both on to the next generation. Times have changed since this system was first set in place, but these ingrained habits still impede the fulfilling relationships we all want.

In partnership relationships differences of gender, age, race, religion, or ethnic origin are not automatically equated with superiority/inferiority. People learn from childhood to accept, appreciate and value everyone's feelings. Traits such as empathy and compassion, strength and leadership are not gender specific but available to all. Partnership relations free our innate capacity to feel joy, to play, to grow. They promote creativity, trust, empathy, mutual respect, and caring. 

The last three hundred years have produced a strong movement toward partnership. One tradition of domination after another has been challenged - from despotic kings to child abuse. However, most families and relationships lie somewhere between the dominator and partnership poles. We need to move along the scale in the partnership direction in order to heal and empower all our relationships.

Your Relationship with Yourself 
Common sense would say that your relationship with yourself should be one of partnership. Yet, we push our bodies around, get mad at ourselves and criticize ourselves unmercifully. We were not born with these unhealthy habits, we learned them, and can also unlearn them. In dominator families we are taught strict conformity to orders, suppression of anger and frustration, and even conformity to externally imposed gender roles. But we can overcome these entrenched ways of thinking and relating by taking the following 3 steps. First, decide what really matters. Second, become aware of the internalized messages we carry in our heads that limit or distort our full humanity. And third, take a close look at which of our habits of thinking and feeling makes sense and which don't - and make the appropriate changes.

I can attest to this healing experience. Once freed of the mental programming of gender stereotypes and self-deprecation, I was able to accept myself and progress in my personal development. And by becoming a better partner with myself I drew a true life partner into my life.

Your Significant Other 
More than anything else, we humans want meaningful connections of love and pleasure. For us, sex can provide what Masters and Johnson called "the pleasure bond," a sense of well-being and togetherness. But achieving this pleasure bond is impossible in dominator relations full of tension, mistrust, fear, contempt or guilt. Men who view women as mere sexual objects miss the caring connection that makes sex wondrous. Strict male control of women can numb and terrorize them, making impossible their natural, joyful sexuality. Depriving women of reproductive choice makes sex bondage rather than bonding.

More and more of us are recognizing that there is nothing wrong with our bodies, that sex is not dirty, evil or sinful, that women as well as men have a great capacity for sexual pleasure, and that there is a spiritual dimension to human sexuality. This spiritual aspect of sexuality is the subject of much of my work including my book, Sacred Pleasure and the following articles:

Partnership Childhood 
What happens to us as children has a huge impact on the rest of our lives. How we learn to treat our self and our body is closely connected to how we learn to relate to other people. Childhood is where we first learn to respect the rights of others - or where we first learn violence, cruelty, oppression, and discrimination. Research has shown that our minds -their patterns of emotion and thought -are largely molded during our early years of life. Therefore, partnership parenting plays an important role in determining not only the present but also the future emotional stability and mental health of our children. 

Changing to partnership parenting can be difficult since it involves habits we unconsciously learned in our own childhoods, especially when we don't quite know what to do instead. Luckily, there are many wonderful resources to help: excellent books such as Martha and William Sears' The Baby Book and easily available magazines such as Child and Parenting. For those who want more, there are parenting classes and counselors. CPS is also working to bring partnership to our educational system through Partnership Education.

The heart of the matter is putting love into action. Once you become aware of the partnership alternative, you can consciously change habits of feeling and relating that get in the way of the fulfilling relationships with yourself and your loved ones that you really want.

*

SAIV
The Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence
 is a project initiated by
 Dr. Riane Eisler and Nobel Peace Laureate Betty Williams

The main determination for whether a society adheres primarily to a dominator or partnership model is intimate relationships. It is in the family that we first learn either respect and caring for others or that violence and fear can get us what we want. It is between parents and children that either domination or partnership are passed to the next generation. It is for this reason that CPS has become one of the first sponsors of (SAIV) Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence. We invite you to be come a member and add your voice to this important stepping stone. For more information follow this link.

SAIV

Because stopping intimate violence is foundational to a peaceful and equitable world.

            
Top